We live in a culture where sex has largely lost its sacredness. For many, it has become little more than a recreational pursuit—a source of pleasure detached from love, commitment, or deeper meaning. The promise is freedom: the ability to pursue sexual relationships without emotional obligation or lasting attachment.

Yet this vision of sexuality has not delivered the fulfillment it promises. Instead, many people are left feeling empty, disconnected, and dissatisfied. I explore this issue in greater depth in my book Sex at First Sight, which examines the effects of the hookup culture.

In this blog I want to share some new insights that I believe will provide some additional wisdom about our sexuality.

The first comes from author and Pastor Ray Stedman in his book on the Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes. In chapter 7, verse 28 we are told:

“One man among a thousand I have found, but a woman among all these I have not found.”

If you read carefully, as Solomon went through life he would find loyal, trustworthy men who could be a true friend, but he could never seem to find this in a woman.

Stedman suggests that Solomon’s many wives and concubines prevented him from truly knowing the women in his life. Because the relationships became sexual almost immediately, the deeper process of discovering each other’s character and personality never had the opportunity to develop.

From this, Stedman draws an important principle: every healthy relationship between a man and a woman begins with a season of discovery. Friendship allows two people to learn one another’s values, character, strengths, and weaknesses. Premature sexual involvement interrupts that process. As Stedman puts it, it “arrests the mutual process of discovery.”

Within marriage, sexual intimacy deepens and enriches that ongoing discovery because it exists within the security of lifelong commitment. Outside of marriage, however, sex often short-circuits the very intimacy people hope to find.

Modern people do not get this. They do not heed the wisdom of God and seek to circumvent what He is telling us. We all seek richness and fullness of life, yet so many seek it apart from the laws of life that God has set forth. However, it can’t be done.

The beauty of discovery between two people can never be experienced except where God says it is found.

The second piece of wisdom comes from Charles Swindoll. He talks of an interview he saw on a television talk show. The guest was an actor who was well-known for his romantic roles on film.

Predictably he was asked, “What makes a great lover?” I am confident everyone watching the show (myself included) expected the standard macho-playboy response. To the surprise of the host and the audience, his answer must have raised eyebrows all across America. It went something like this:

“A great lover is someone who can satisfy one woman all her life long, and who can be satisfied by one woman all his life long. A great lover is not someone who goes from woman to woman to woman. Any dog can do that.”

His response challenged the common assumption that sexual greatness is measured by the number of partners rather than by lifelong faithfulness.

A final piece of wisdom comes from a study performed by researchers at BYU and Baylor University. They concluded that a person’s spiritual life has a real positive impact on a married couple’s sex life.

The findings, based on a nationally representative sample of more than 1,300 couples ages 18 to 45, are published in the journal Psychology of Religion and Spirituality. The study centered on whether couples consider their marriage sacred and how that view impacts satisfaction with their intimate interactions.

The findings run counter to a “common social narrative” that religion in a marriage kills the quality of sex, said study lead author Jeffrey P. Dew, associate professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University. Instead, a higher degree of religiosity was found linked to more, not less satisfaction with the quality of sex in the marriage.

The study found a sense of sanctification at the heart of the boost in satisfaction. “When religious married couples view their marital union as a divinely appointed relationship, various aspects of that relationship, including sexual intimacy, may take on spiritual characteristics,” the authors wrote. “This may create a sexual sanctification mindset wherein sexual intimacy itself takes on divine importance and may help couples feel more satisfied with their sexual relationship.”

Richard E Simmons III is the founder and Executive Director of The Center for Executive Leadership and a best-selling author.