The natural tendency of everything in life is to move from order to disorder. At some point during the formal education of most Americans, the concept of entropy was taught and learned. Everything in your life that is not pro­tected and nurtured deteriorates. This includes your car, your house, and your clothes. Therefore, if you want to see any area of your life deteriorate, just do nothing.

This is particularly true in marriage. It is so easy for a per­son to drift slowly away from their spouse and not realize it.

Ned Holstein is the executive director of National Par­ents Organization, a non-profit also known as Fathers and Families until 2013. Holstein says, “Most men think that they are safe because they are good husbands, fathers, and providers. But most divorces are sought by women, and many men have no idea that a divorce is coming.”

We need to ask ourselves, “Could this possibly be hap­pening in my marriage?” Maybe we should open our eyes and take a long, hard look at our relationship with our spouses.

What I have repeatedly seen is that many people neglect their spouse and are not even aware of it. Spouses handle this neglect in one of two ways. Many of them will confront it, often out of anger and frustration, but at least their spouse knows that something’s wrong. Others respond by saying nothing. They go silent. They might hint at their dissatis­faction, but their partner doesn’t get it. In the process, their marriage slowly dies, and the other person only becomes aware of it when they file for divorce. I’ve seen it happen many times.

A second thought involves the real path that leads to discovering true happiness in your marriage. Dr. Tim Keller offers some interesting insight concerning this topic.

The Bible says that human beings were made in God’s image. That means, among other things, that we were created to worship and live for God’s glory, not our own. We were made to serve God and others. That means paradoxically that if we try to put our own hap­piness ahead of obedience to God, we violate our own nature and become, ultimately, miserable. Jesus restates the principle when he says, “Whoever wants to save his life shall lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 16:25). He is saying, “If you seek happiness more than you seek me, you will have nei­ther; if you seek to serve me more than you serve your own quest for happiness, you will have both.”

Paul applies this principle to marriage. Seek to serve one another rather than to be happy, and you will find a new and deeper happiness. Many couples have discov­ered this wonderful, unlooked-for reality. Why would this be true? It is because it is “instituted of God.” It was established by the God for whom self-giving love is an essential attribute, and therefore it reflects His nature, particularly as it is revealed in the Person and work of Jesus Christ.

C.S. Lewis believes this to be one of the most significant universal principles in all of life: “Give up yourself and you will find your real self.”

Another way to approach this is to view marriage as if you are joining the military. When you join the military, you lose control over your schedule, when you take a holiday, when you eat your meals, etc. You ultimately surrender your independence and the freedom to make unilateral choices. In the process, you become part of a whole, part of a greater unity.

This, of course, is not instinctive, and initially, you will find it to be unnatural. But this is the very foundation of marriage. It is necessary if you are going to experience true oneness and a happy life together.

Richard E Simmons III is the founder and Executive Director of The Center for Executive Leadership and a best-selling author.