Several years ago, I sat across from a couple whose marriage appeared to be headed for divorce. I cannot say that my counsel saved their marriage, but they are still together and, as far as I know, doing well. In one of our sessions, we reviewed together these issues below. What I shared with them that day may also be helpful to you or a couple you know who is struggling in their marriage.

I ask you both to consider what is at stake.

A. The two of you made a promise, a covenant before God, to love, honor and cherish one another, in both good times and bad, as long as you both shall live.

Are you going to honor your promise to God?

B. You have no Biblical grounds for divorce. To do so would be to defy God and go your own way. The Bible is clear, God says in Malachi 2:16, I hate divorce.

Please hear this, God’s will is for you to stay married. However, not to just stay married but to see your marriage flourish.

C. Think of the ramifications of divorce. It is very painful and could take years to recover from. There is a real possibility at this stage one or both may never remarry and you each could spend the rest of your lives alone.

D. If you divorce, what kind of example and what kind of message are you sending to your kids and grandchildren?

Yet, if you turn this marriage around, what a great testimony to them and all the people that know you. You might be able to help other couples who are struggling.

The famous Swiss psychologist, Carl Jung, believed that the way to respond to adversity in marriage will in all likelihood determine the course of a person’s entire life.

There is so much at stake!

Three Issues to Focus On:

A. Anger and bitterness

1. You both have much anger and bitterness towards each other. Forgiveness is essential. Without it, your marriage won’t survive.
2. You need to seek each other’s forgiveness. Ask “Would you forgive me for all that I have done to hurt you, to not love you.?”
3. Paul says in Philippians 3:13 that we must forget what lies behind and reach forward to what lies ahead (a growing, flourishing marriage).
4. You cannot drag up what has happened in the past. You have to let it go.
5. Pray and ask God to enable you, to give you the grace to completely forgive your spouse.

B. Selfishness

1. At the heart of being a Christian and living successfully, one must love Jesus and His will, more than you love yourself.
2. At the heart of a successful marriage, one must regard and love their spouse more than themselves.

You have to put the other person and their interests above your own.

3. “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind, regard one another as more important than yourselves. Do not merely look out for your own personal interest, but also for the interest of others.” (Philippians 2:3,4)
4. Ask God each day to give you the grace to live unselfishly and to put your spouse in front of yourself.

C. Display Love

1. God wants us to love our spouse, and he is not talking about a feeling. It is displaying love through actions.
2. Think of some of the ways you can love each other. Be intentional – look for ways each day to show your love. Twice a day, think of something you can do to display love.
3. Look for creative ways to spend time with each other.

At the end of the day, saving a marriage requires two people who are willing to humble themselves, forgive one another, put the other person ahead of themselves, and intentionally choose to love each other day after day. Your marriage may seem broken today, but broken does not necessarily mean beyond repair. With God’s help, what has been damaged can be restored, and what seems hopeless can become a testimony of His grace. The question is not simply whether you can stay married, but whether the two of you are willing to surrender your marriage to God and allow Him to make it something beautiful again. There is much at stake—but there is also much to hope for.

Richard E Simmons III is the founder and Executive Director of The Center for Executive Leadership and a best-selling author.